Before I had my daughter I was an average young girl working serving/bartending jobs and living life. Never planned to have a child and didn't really see it in my future because "marriage" wasn't for me. I went out with friends, stayed out late and had fun but wasn't irresponsible. I was working at a hotel as a morning barista/bartender and going to school in the evenings. I didn't have a lot going on just work and school.
However I met a man who changed my entire life.....
I would work at a hotel every morning and only really spoke to many people in my department and I had a best friend who worked at the front desk. There was an overnight security guard who I would see when I would come in early in the morning, he would be either in the front office area or walking around the atrium with the houseman. He was quiet and didn't speak much however was very attractive. For months I never really thought much of him and kept to myself and he did the same, every now and then we would exchange glances or run into each other. It wasn't until one morning he came over to the Starbucks area and said he just wanted to get a glimpse of the news and last nights game. We spoke about different news stories, NBA and I gave him a hot chocolate for the road. He seemed nervous and wouldn't keep direct eye contact with him.
This escapades of short talk continued each morning before he left for his shift and each morning I would let him leave with a hot chocolate. I asked my friend at the front desk about him because he was so "mysterious" She said "Oh Ed? Yea he's kind of weird he tried to talk to me once but he's not my type but hey go for it if ya like him"
So I gave him my number and we continued talking late through the night while he worked at the hotel and I was at home.
Pretty soon our talking and texting became more and we spent more time together and became a couple. He was a lot older then me, however looking at him you would think he was extremely younger. We went out on dates and we loved to walk around Utica square drink hot chocolate and coffee and just talk. He would say what he wants in life, where he sees himself and things about him. He always had a mysterious shadow that hovered him and I always wanted to prowl to find out what it was.
He was timid around me a lot especially if I tried to hug or cuddle. He kept a distance a lot and it was awkward at first. People at the hotel found out we were dating and thought it was cute. When I told them we've been together three months and haven't kissed they all were like "WHAT" He wouldn't kiss me and made me feel like something was wrong with me. He always said "I will when its right,"
So eventually he finally did and it made me smile for days even if it took four months.
We got serious and our relationship grew, however I lost my job at the hotel and he had to switch jobs as well to a school location in North Tulsa, it made it harder to see each other.
But we made it work.
He started talking about marriage and kids, I told him slow his pace because I really wasn't into having kids until I was done with college. He pushed marriage and how he is getting older etc. He started looking into places to live and making a home....I was nervous and scared but then thought how bad could it be?
It was when we went to a house to view it and fill out the applications....he was acting weird and nervous....it was a great location duplex and we both liked it a lot. So we agreed it was perfect.
He bought me a ring and we agreed to keep it between us until we were ready for the publicity from our family and friends.
I started living in a fairy tale, we had been together this long and things were working out, and I was in love. I loved him I wouldn't shut up about him and my friend who worked at the front desk was so happy for me. My dad met him and my dad said he didn't know how he felt about him because he was so quiet. I let him meet my daughters now God Family who is like family to me and they said the same thing "he is so quiet".
We were making a progress towards a future. He kept saying he wanted a daughter, he wanted a child. I kept pushing him away and saying no I can't I need to wait on that. It was a pressuring situation. I was young, dumb and in love. I didn't want to disappoint him and wanted him happy. So I allowed myself to have unprotected sex with him without taking any precautions to having a child.
Of course like clock work I felt terribly ill in May 2010 I couldn't get through my work shift and every morning was a struggle. He would come and check on me after his overnight shift and bring me juice thinking I caught a bug. He picked up a second full time job so I barely saw him and it was hard. I didn't have a period in a month and was always sick, certain smells triggered my nausea and I always slept. I knew I had to go see a doctor asap. So I went and sure enough they said I was pregnant but was it was still to early to make sure and come back for another test. of course I did and sure enough I was 7 weeks pregnant and due in February 2011. I was in shock and felt "okay it'll be okay he said he wanted a child and he wanted this so bad so he'll be here for us"
I told him of the baby news and he was his quiet self. No expression and when I said "you wanted a baby?" he said "yes I do, more than anything I'm very happy" So he was around and helped me as much as he could making sure I ate, and getting rest however then I noticed he would always be working, stop going to doctor appointments and wouldn't answer my texts when in regards to baby. I began to worry. He then moved with his mother and started to avoid me. I was confused, and felt so alone. I literally had to go to his job just to get him to talk to me. "what have I done?"
"did I make you mad somehow?"
He finally looked me directly in the eye and said "I can't do this"
I realized he's breaking up, but then he said "I can't take care of a baby and realize I don't want it"
I was in shock and utter disbelief. I felt tricked. So I said okay well I don't believe in abortions....he said he understood.
I asked him to help me with the necessary bills and at that point he said "no I can't sorry I have to go" and just left me there looking helpless.
He refused to talk to me, wouldn't answer my calls, texts and had someone else tell me to leave his job. The pain of love hurt but the pain of rejected me and the unborn baby hurt more. I was alone, pregnant and barely enough money to pay the necessary bills. I turned to a church for help because I was lost. I hadn't told my friends or family about the baby yet because in their eyes at this point I had premarital sex and left to the curb
I went to the church got in a group and was planning to do adoption because I couldn't take care of this child alone and all the bills I had eating me alive that he had left me with.
Eventually they said I could move into a house they had for girls who are struggling and would help while I try to save money and get back on my feet, even after adoption placement. I figured it was best cause I couldn't keep up with the bills and necessitates.
I went to the house and worked odd jobs to make ends meet. I found out I was having a girl and it just crushed me more because he always said he wanted a girl.
I informed him he was having a girl and no response. The pain of being ignored hurt and drove me crazy. I kept wearing the ring in hopes of a change or he was scared and would come back around. I went to his house to speak to his mom and begged her for help all she could say was "his father did this to me so its best to just walk away and do what's best for you and the baby"
That hurt its like they didn't care and what he did is okay. He pulled up when I was there and was very angry, I started going off on him, all hurt and pain was boiling out of me. He started fighting me and told me to leave. I begged for him to accept this child and he said he doesn't want it and to deal with him. He grabbed him so hard and when I fought him off he pushed me down and hit me.
I started searching for adoptive families throughout my pregnancy, and it wasn't working because one family wouldn't fight to remove his parental rights if he willing wont do so. I spoke with an attorney who sent letters for him to sign paperwork to terminate his rights when the child was born, he refused to sign them. He made things so hard for me as if he wanted me to keep this baby and struggle.
Another family didn't want to do an adoption if she wasn't going to be "light skin" that was not a guarantee.
I left the house of the girls because of problems with the house mom and girls there. I packed everything and left crying all the way into Tulsa calling my friend from the hotel for a place to stay. She said I was welcome to stay there till I could get on my feet. At this point I broke down to my God family and told them everything and it hurt so much I wanted to disappear. I wanted to hurt myself. I told my dad and heard him suggesting abortion but too late for that. I felt no support and wanted to hurt myself and this baby.
My friend was the only one who was there for me in a way I needed. Everyone treated me like some nasty irresponsible girl and I felt like a girl who was in love and just wanted her heart and mind for forget everything but this growing child wouldn't let me forget with each kick.
By my 8 month when he still refused to cooperate and made everything hard on me I applied for a apartment at a income based apartment. I paid months three months in advance to make sure that if I have to keep this baby then I would have somewhere to stay when not working. It was then when he called to say he'll sign termination paperwork that my baby kicked so hard and pain became so intense that I went to the doctor. They brought up a three D ultrasound and I saw her face for the first time and it hit me so hard. I couldn't let her go. Now that I could actually see her face I had to keep her. I got a crib, stroller, clothes and everything I could to be ready for her arrival. I had a baby shower and friends and family came all around and got me great items for her.
I felt so blessed. Given my bad situation and being alone I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I got back into school and was ready to start a great life for us. I informed her father I was keeping her and filing child support because he isn't going to act like his father and walk away. That infuriated him and he begged me not to and he would be there for us.
Cintia Ella was born on February 21, 2011 by emergency C section. I passed out during the operation but when I woke up and the nurse brought her to me I cried so hard. I cried at how hard I worked to get everything ready for her, I cried knowing it was just me and her, I cried telling her how much I love her and I will treat her so much better then the relationship I had with my mother, that she was a blessing from God. I cried and I cried.
The first year was hard recovering from my c section and her being so small and needy. I had family and friends help out so much and made sure I got my faith built back up to heal my broken heart. I filed child support against her father who at this point contacted me a lot and I ignored him.
I got back to work waiting tables, in school full time and had so much help with her. I told myself I would get us in an environment that was safe and she would be happy.
2010-2011 was the hardest years of my life, it was filled with trials and tribulations I never thought I would go thru. I started praying each night, thanking god for this baby girl and being strong to care for her. Each day my prayer would be answered.
By 2012 I was promoted to a management role at my job and allowed to relocate to another location, I got accepted into OSU to finish my bachelors degree and me and miss diva moved to a better apartment complex, it was still income based but not as bad.
I met a new boyfriend who I treaded lightly with. I was afraid of getting hurt again, I was afraid of getting close. I did not believe in love or marriage and pushed this man away for a long time before finally giving in. Cintia only knows Daniel as her father and no one else because he came in the picture when she was 10 months old and has been around since.
By 2013 I received my associates degree, moved to OKC for my job and continued on to OSU.
its 2014 I haven't spoken to her father since 2012 when he asked to lower the child support amount to help him out. I did not respond to him because I never got any help when I needed it from him. I switched jobs and moved into a larger home. Cintia is still my blessing from God and each day I remember where we started and where we are and I am ever so grateful because we will continue to get a better life each day. I am a single mother, and I was looked down upon however I am a strong single mom and I don't care what people think of me because I work hard, I am finishing my bachelors and I will forever place my daughter before me in a way like no other. I have no aspirations to have another child, maybe because of fear or the tough pregnancy I did have. I always wondered what it would be like to have a pregnancy that I could enjoy like girls who have it all perfect. But I remind myself that I can't go through it again.
Being a single mom, being a mom period has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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